Monday, April 6, 2009

Grace the Flower Girl

My beautiful girl was a flower girl this weekend. It was a nice family wedding!She was nervous as can be, which is quite unusual for her. She loves to be the star of the show! But this particular event had her in tears the night before the wedding. We got her put back together and went back and practiced in the empty church for the day of the wedding and she finally got it worked out.

She looked amazing in her white dress, like a mini-wedding dress in itself. She told me at the end that she wanted to be the bride, she loved the little 4 year old ring bearer....

All in all it was a nice and busy weekend.




The groom and great grandma.

Grace picking flowers after the wedding.


The bride, ring bearer and Grace.



Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My crazy and wonderful hubby turned 40 yesterday! We had a great weekend enjoying his birthday at Fast Eddie's in Illinois. Our friend Elizabeth got him this great wig to wear for the evening, needless to say, he had a ball with it.

It was a great group of folks to hang with, those who are easy to chat with and fun and lively as well. I hope it's a night that he doesn't forget soon. I don't think I'll forget this wig!

Happy Birthday babe!



Wayne and his buddy Greg.


Didn't get a great shot of both of us, but here's one anyway.



Our friends, Sean and Beth.


My good friends, Beth and Elizabeth.


Elizabeth and her hubby Dan. I know it's blurry but otherwise, it's a great shot of them. There were many others there but we didn't really start taking pictures till later and other had left. (Also, I had my camera but kept forgetting to take shots - thanks for capturing these Elizabeth).

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Jake DeSantis

The following is a letter sent on Tuesday by Jake DeSantis, an executive vice president of the American International Group’s financial products unit, to Edward M. Liddy, the chief executive of A.I.G. I'm not going to comment extensively, but I believe that when you sign a contract with someone - it should be honored...this is a heated one - I'd love to hear your comments.


DEAR Mr. Liddy,
It is with deep regret that I submit my notice of resignation from A.I.G. Financial Products. I hope you take the time to read this entire letter. Before describing the details of my decision, I want to offer some context:


I am proud of everything I have done for the commodity and equity divisions of A.I.G.-F.P. I was in no way involved in — or responsible for — the credit default swap transactions that have hamstrung A.I.G. Nor were more than a handful of the 400 current employees of A.I.G.-F.P. Most of those responsible have left the company and have conspicuously escaped the public outrage.

After 12 months of hard work dismantling the company — during which A.I.G. reassured us many times we would be rewarded in March 2009 — we in the financial products unit have been betrayed by A.I.G. and are being unfairly persecuted by elected officials. In response to this, I will now leave the company and donate my entire post-tax retention payment to those suffering from the global economic downturn. My intent is to keep none of the money myself.

I take this action after 11 years of dedicated, honorable service to A.I.G. I can no longer effectively perform my duties in this dysfunctional environment, nor am I being paid to do so. Like you, I was asked to work for an annual salary of $1, and I agreed out of a sense of duty to the company and to the public officials who have come to its aid. Having now been let down by both, I can no longer justify spending 10, 12, 14 hours a day away from my family for the benefit of those who have let me down.

You and I have never met or spoken to each other, so I’d like to tell you about myself. I was raised by schoolteachers working multiple jobs in a world of closing steel mills. My hard work earned me acceptance to M.I.T., and the institute’s generous financial aid enabled me to attend. I had fulfilled my American dream.

I started at this company in 1998 as an equity trader, became the head of equity and commodity trading and, a couple of years before A.I.G.’s meltdown last September, was named the head of business development for commodities. Over this period the equity and commodity units were consistently profitable — in most years generating net profits of well over $100 million. Most recently, during the dismantling of A.I.G.-F.P., I was an integral player in the pending sale of its well-regarded commodity index business to UBS. As you know, business unit sales like this are crucial to A.I.G.’s effort to repay the American taxpayer.

The profitability of the businesses with which I was associated clearly supported my compensation. I never received any pay resulting from the credit default swaps that are now losing so much money. I did, however, like many others here, lose a significant portion of my life savings in the form of deferred compensation invested in the capital of A.I.G.-F.P. because of those losses. In this way I have personally suffered from this controversial activity — directly as well as indirectly with the rest of the taxpayers.

I have the utmost respect for the civic duty that you are now performing at A.I.G. You are as blameless for these credit default swap losses as I am. You answered your country’s call and you are taking a tremendous beating for it.


But you also are aware that most of the employees of your financial products unit had nothing to do with the large losses. And I am disappointed and frustrated over your lack of support for us. I and many others in the unit feel betrayed that you failed to stand up for us in the face of untrue and unfair accusations from certain members of Congress last Wednesday and from the press over our retention payments, and that you didn’t defend us against the baseless and reckless comments made by the attorneys general of New York and Connecticut.

My guess is that in October, when you learned of these retention contracts, you realized that the employees of the financial products unit needed some incentive to stay and that the contracts, being both ethical and useful, should be left to stand. That’s probably why A.I.G. management assured us on three occasions during that month that the company would “live up to its commitment” to honor the contract guarantees.

That may be why you decided to accelerate by three months more than a quarter of the amounts due under the contracts. That action signified to us your support, and was hardly something that one would do if he truly found the contracts “distasteful.” That may also be why you authorized the balance of the payments on March 13.

At no time during the past six months that you have been leading A.I.G. did you ask us to revise, renegotiate or break these contracts — until several hours before your appearance last week before Congress.

I think your initial decision to honor the contracts was both ethical and financially astute, but it seems to have been politically unwise. It’s now apparent that you either misunderstood the agreements that you had made — tacit or otherwise — with the Federal Reserve, the Treasury, various members of Congress and Attorney General Andrew Cuomo of New York, or were not strong enough to withstand the shifting political winds.

You’ve now asked the current employees of A.I.G.-F.P. to repay these earnings. As you can imagine, there has been a tremendous amount of serious thought and heated discussion about how we should respond to this breach of trust.

As most of us have done nothing wrong, guilt is not a motivation to surrender our earnings. We have worked 12 long months under these contracts and now deserve to be paid as promised. None of us should be cheated of our payments any more than a plumber should be cheated after he has fixed the pipes but a careless electrician causes a fire that burns down the house.
Many of the employees have, in the past six months, turned down job offers from more stable employers, based on A.I.G.’s assurances that the contracts would be honored. They are now angry about having been misled by A.I.G.’s promises and are not inclined to return the money as a favor to you.


The only real motivation that anyone at A.I.G.-F.P. now has is fear. Mr. Cuomo has threatened to “name and shame,” and his counterpart in Connecticut, Richard Blumenthal, has made similar threats — even though attorneys general are supposed to stand for due process, to conduct trials in courts and not the press.

So what am I to do? There’s no easy answer. I know that because of hard work I have benefited more than most during the economic boom and have saved enough that my family is unlikely to suffer devastating losses during the current bust. Some might argue that members of my profession have been overpaid, and I wouldn’t disagree.

That is why I have decided to donate 100 percent of the effective after-tax proceeds of my retention payment directly to organizations that are helping people who are suffering from the global downturn. This is not a tax-deduction gimmick; I simply believe that I at least deserve to dictate how my earnings are spent, and do not want to see them disappear back into the obscurity of A.I.G.’s or the federal government’s budget. Our earnings have caused such a distraction for so many from the more pressing issues our country faces, and I would like to see my share of it benefit those truly in need.

On March 16 I received a payment from A.I.G. amounting to $742,006.40, after taxes. In light of the uncertainty over the ultimate taxation and legal status of this payment, the actual amount I donate may be less — in fact, it may end up being far less if the recent House bill raising the tax on the retention payments to 90 percent stands. Once all the money is donated, you will immediately receive a list of all recipients.

This choice is right for me. I wish others at A.I.G.-F.P. luck finding peace with their difficult decision, and only hope their judgment is not clouded by fear.


Mr. Liddy, I wish you success in your commitment to return the money extended by the American government, and luck with the continued unwinding of the company’s diverse businesses — especially those remaining credit default swaps. I’ll continue over the short term to help make sure no balls are dropped, but after what’s happened this past week I can’t remain much longer — there is too much bad blood. I’m not sure how you will greet my resignation, but at least Attorney General Blumenthal should be relieved that I’ll leave under my own power and will not need to be “shoved out the door.”

Sincerely,
Jake DeSantis

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Grace is 5 today!

My beautiful girl is 5 years old today! She's so proud - she's told the whole world. It's so amazing that I don't think there are words to describe how I feel, I'm going to choose to post a bunch of photos instead.
She truly is an amazing kid!

Grace with Grandma

Baby Grace with Mommy.

1st Haircut!

Not sure of age - 15-18 months old or so...
Around 2 years old at Grandma's!
Close to 3 years old...
4 year old birthday last year!


Here's one from her birthday party on Sunday. She's changed so much and so little! Amazing! I do love her so much!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Top 10 Things That I Wish You Wouldn't Do During Your Spa Treatment

Okay, so one of my new resolutions in my drive for better behaviour is to stop talking bad about my clients when they drive me crazy. To try to see the positives in them and ignore the negatives. For the most part that's easy to do, most clients are fine. Today I had a few new people that came in with a big party. In order to vent and not be specific about them in particular here are my:

Top 10 Things That I Wish You Wouldn't Do During Your Spa Treatment


  • First and foremost - Please try to relax! Here are some things that are not relaxing.
  1. Staring at me with your eyes open through the whole facial
  2. Constantly sitting up (all the way) during the facial
  3. Gripping my hand when I try to massage your hands and arms
  4. Wanting to talk but instead tapping your foot, making the whole bed shake, I'd prefer you just talk - it's your service - if you want to talk that's okay.
  • Don't change into your gown in front of me. No matter how comfortable you are with changing in front of a stranger - odds are - I don't want to see your naked body.
  • Don't lie to me about your botox. I'm an expert - and by the way you can't be 65 without a single wrinkle on your face naturally.
  • Please don't ask me about EVERY single thing I'm doing during your facial. It's okay to ask questions but don't QUESTION everything that I'm doing.
  • Don't ask me to talk bad about my boss. I'm not stupid, I know you work for a guy on her board of directors.
  • Don't tip me $5 for a service that cost you $165. Especially after you've oooozed about how much you love the service. THAT'S JUST RUDE!
  • Don't ask for free stuff, I can't do it - it will get me fired!
  • Don't bad mouth every person in your family - it only reflects poorly on you.
  • DON'T BE LATE! There are other clients after you, if you're late it only makes your own service shorter.
  • Please don't apologize for snoring - we really do take it as a compliment!

That's it - I just needed to get that off of my chest!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

You go Ed Barnett!

A real letter to the IRS that Ed Barnett of Wichita Falls send to the editor of his paper. You go Ed! I'm not as brave as you to do this but I would love to!


Dear I.R.S.

I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.

I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

Ed Barnett
Wichita Falls

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Letting go of the rock...

Our pastor did a sermon at church today about letting go of the rock. You know, the stuff you carry around with you that gets in your way. Things like anger, fear, hate, guilt, betrayal that get in the way of your ability to truly love others. I started to let go of my rock last week so it was a good sermon for me. Here goes some of the rest:

I forgive you Dad, you made and continue to make many mistakes in your life. I'm letting those go - I truly forgive you.
I forgive you Mom, I know you didn't have a choice, you had to work so many jobs while we were growing up just so we could survive. It was hard on us (I didn't think so at the time but I see it now in my fear of not spending enough time with my own children), I truly forgive you for that and anything else that you feel guilt for as our parent. I idolize you regardless of your faults for being an amazing mentor for me.
I forgive you Wayne, we've had some troubled times in our past where we both made mistakes. I'm sorry that I haven't trusted you more. I truly forgive you and will have faith that we can get through anything together.
I forgive you Stephanie, we've been really mean to each other in the past, we've judged each other when we shouldn't. I promise to be a true, loving and honest sister to you.
I forgive you friends, I know that you're only human and that means you have done unkind things to me (as I have to you as well). I truly forgive you and will work to create deep friendships with you through faith that you will always do the best that you can.
I forgive you co-workers, this is a hard one for me, there has been many times that you have hurt me and continue to do so. I will try to look away and love you so much that you no longer feel the need to go down that path.
I forgive you - me! I forgive you for making bad choices, gossiping unnecessarily, for not taking care of those who need you when they needed you, for guilt and many other things. I truly forgive you and vow to work harder so that you don't need as much forgiveness.

I know that there's more but these are my thoughts today. I woke up so angry and upset this morning for no real reason and I feel truly better. Healed inside and out...a little less broken and weighed down by that silly rock.

(Did you hear it drop on the floor?)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Charitable giving

I heard yesterday on the news that they are working on a proposal to cap tax deductions for charitable giving to help pay for universal heath care. I will be thoroughly appalled if this goes through. In a time when charities are barely making it we're going to reduce the amount of funds that can come to them. In my opinion, it's even worse that this is being used to fund universal health care.

Let me state this clearly. I am completely and utterly opposed to universal health care. Even the countries that have it are starting to get away from it because it is a total nightmare! Picture getting your health care through the DMV - does that sound like fun to you? I use this as an example because I was at the DMV yesterday and it was AWFUL!

Also, if they want to pass universal health care then they don't need to do it in the dark of night. They are putting it in piece by piece by hiding it in other bills and proposals. If it's so great then put it out there by itself for the people to truly decide on it. Don't slide it through in such a sneaky fashion.

On the charity front I think it's a disaster as well. They're going to force charities to ask for a bailout soon and then want to control the message of the charities. You all might think I'm crazy but if we keep down our current path to socialism this is part of our future.

I needed to bring this to people's attention because it's not being discussed in the mainstream media and I find it scary. I welcome your opinions...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

"Don't spend your life looking back..."

So, it's interesting how your subconscious works - isn't it? My friend Elizabeth introduced me to a great new Christian song recently and I've fallen in love with it. I even made it my ring tone on my phone. I've literally listened to it for months!

Today on the way home from church I truly heard the words and understood why they were so important to me (if you like it - it's listed on the side somewhere - How you Live by Point of Grace):

"Wake up to the sunlight with your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want but want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back"

The impact on me? Why am I spending so much of my life looking back?

I went to a bible study this week that was a great start to wonderful things. Elizabeth has said to me also (not an exact quote but general idea) "When are you going to let your dad pain go?" No one has ever asked me this, I think it's assumed that you have to carry your pain around with you forever. What if I'm ready to let that go?

What if I can start over fresh and enjoy new friendships, grow old friendships and let my pain go? What if I can improve the quality of my friendships by being a great friend? That includes me being honest, supportive (even when I don't agree with their decisions), loving, forgiving. If I can reserve judgement and accept them for who they are with their flaws, what would that mean?

What if I trusted my loved ones and friends not to hurt me? What if I let go of my past pains? My temptation was to list my past pains...but what if I didn't?

"Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live"

It's how you live. I want to let it go, I want to let it out, I'm ready to live. How much happier will I feel? How much more complete? I'm putting this out there so that you - my friends and family can help keep me accountable when the bad stuff starts creeping back in. Can you remind me that I can change for the better?

"So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth'
Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay"

I do pretty well on the first part above, I do struggle with facing hard truths and I know that's one I can work on.

"So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
Even when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself'
Cause in the end there's nobody else"

I'm really working on the peace with God thing but I need alot of help in peace with myself. I'm ready to dig in and do the work. If you start to see some changes in me soon, you'll know why. If you don't, will you help me get there? Get in my face a bit? I would appreciate it.

In return, I commit to being a better wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter and more. I will be kinder, more understanding, more honest, more committed, more vested in you too.

What do you think?

Friday, February 27, 2009

Park pics

So what do you do when it's 70 degrees out and you just had surgery? Take the kids to the park and let them run around. Another strange happening - James actually asked me to take some pictures of the two of them (he hates to have his picture taken)....so here they are in all their glory.

As far the surgeries go, it appears that all is well, we both seem like we'll be okay! More postings later.
















Thursday, February 19, 2009

Can you say surgery?

I don't want to elaborate too much but Wayne and I are both having some "fun" surgeries next week. I may explain more later but I wanted all to know that there may not be many posts for the next 10 days or so.

Put us in your prayers! Both are minor but not much fun to recover from...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Holy is the Lord

We stand and lift up our hands
For the joy of the Lord is our strength
We bow down and worship Him now
How great, how awesome is He
And together we sing

[Chorus]
Holy is the Lord God Almighty
The earth is filled with His glory
Holy is the Lord God Almighty
The earth is filled with His glory
The earth is filled with His glory
We stand and lift up our hands

For the joy of the Lord is our strength
We bow down and worship Him now
How great, how awesome is He
And together we sing
Everyone sing

[Chorus]
Holy is the Lord God Almighty
The earth is filled with His glory
Holy is the Lord God Almighty
The earth is filled with His glory
The earth is filled with His glory
It's rising up all around
It's the anthem of the Lord's renown

And together we sing,
Everyone sing

by Chris Tomlin


I just got a message that someone out there needed that. Wanna hear the song? Check it out on the right (you'll have to look for it).

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Stats that will blow you away...




Why do I post this here? The future this holds for my children is staggering, to say the least! I cannot imagine what they have in store for them. How will they compete, or succeed? How can they keep up? How can I keep up?

Even in my field of non-technology, things change at a rapid pace. We just started doing facials with a 24K gold mask because it balances negative ions in the skin. It perfects the skin. But who thinks of this stuff? I think I want my kids to be scientists, they will definitely need to grasp math. I don't know.

The other piece of the pie is this - will technology cause folks to lose all touch with each other? To lose the art of conversation? To confide in total strangers instead of their friends and family? I don't want that for my kids, I want them to be connected to folks, to be able to sit still and have a conversation about most anything. To NOT spend their time in front of a PC (as I do now) or the TV, or a video game. But to engage with others, be social, be outdoors, be physically active. How do I raise them to show them this is the way when so few out there live like this now? How much will it change?

I avoided seeing Wall-E for the longest time. I heard it was a message movie. I HATE message movies! But the message was amazing, it was about people losing their connection, about automating, about computers running everything, about how GREAT connection to others feels.

I was overwhelmed by the stats in the video above. What do you think?

Monday, February 9, 2009

We all have a liquid story

Okay, so a funny thing happened to our family last week (well funny for me but not so much for Wayne). James, Grace and I ate some bad Sonic for lunch last week. It sent me into the bathroom about 2 hours after consuming it, Grace had no reaction and here's what happened to James.

He comes into our room around 10:30 (we were settling in to sleep) and he says, "I peed in my bed, can someone help me?"
Wayne being the ever-amazing husband of the year, jumps up promptly and says, "I'll take care of it" so off they both go.

Now, Wayne is legally blind without his contacts in and he didn't bother to put his glasses on just to change the sheets. James takes him into his room and he feels down on the bed....only to find that it is not urine but vomit!! Then the real terror begins.

James begins to throw up again in his room, then all the way down the hall. Wayne actually slips in the disgusting liquid and lands on his rear (he's only wearing boxers) in the middle of it. He still manages to work James into the bathroom where he vomits all over the bathroom as well.

I'm laying comfortably in bed and the odor hits me (now mind you I'm just starting to feel better from my own round). "Is that vomit?" I say. All I here is "yep."

As so off we go to clean it up. I won't give you all the details of the cleanup - it did include scrubbing vomit from the walls, doors, carpet etc. It isn't an event that we'll forget soon and I'm sure we'll tell James about it one day but it was too funny to not share with others. Wayne definitely deserves his father of the year badge!

Friendship in its purest form

Is there anything more rewarding than pouring your deepest thoughts out to a friend and having them fully accept you, flaws and all? Thank you my friend...

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Questionaire on basic principals - do we agree?

Check this out - here are many things I think most folks can agree on regardless of political preference...what do you think?

1) Yes or no: Do you believe America is a good place, that we've lost our way over the years, that we have done bad things but generally speaking we tried hard. We try to make amends. We have tried to do the right thing. Just like everybody else, we fail from time to time and we have truly lost our way in the last 20 years. But if you look at America, she's good and our founders were good and our founding documents are good. We've just strayed too far away from them.

2) Yes or no: I believe in God. I may not go to the same church or synagogue or mosque as the majority of people in America, but I believe in God and he is the center of my life, and God does not tell people to behead others or to persecute others that see God in a different way. As long as that god is not telling them to persecute others.

3) Yes or no: It is my responsibility to try to be better and a more honest person than I was yesterday. Sometimes I fail, I'll make mistakes, but it's my main mission to be better than I was personally than I was yesterday.

4) Yes or no: The family is sacred. I and my spouse are the ultimate authority under God when it comes to my family. I raise my family, and that comes with a grave responsibility. If I fail, I answer to God.

5) Yes or no: If you break the law, you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.

6) Yes or no: I have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but that is not a guarantee of equal results.

7) Yes or no: I work hard for what I have, and I will share it with others that I choose when I choose, should I choose. Government cannot force me to be charitable.

8) It is not un-American for anyone to disagree with my opinion, but my opinion or others' opinions may be anti-American. Anti-American rhetoric would be anything that is destructive to the Constitution and our country as our founders understood it.

9) And the last one is the government works for me. The government answers to me. I do not answer to the government.

What's the point? These are the 9 basic principals that our government was founded on.

Wanna know more? Go read
The 5000 Year Leap: A Miracle That Changed the World by W. Cleon Skousen

I've been slowly working my way through this book that shows the true insights of our forefathers. Alot of those concepts are at stake right now, I fear folks are undermining so much of this and it makes me sad.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

50 De-stimulating facts in the Stimulus package

The following is an article written by National Review pointing out some of the most egregious cases of spending in the current version of the stimulus package. I thought it was too important to not share it and I hope it inspires you to call your Senators and encourage a "No" vote in its current state.

You can find your senator's information at the following website:

http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

Here is the majority of the article - I find it appalling. I couldn't say it better so I'm just posting it out there for you to see. If you are short for time, just look at the bulleted list after each set of paragraphs.

It's important for me to say that I don't think funding some, even many of these programs is bad. It's just BAD RIGHT NOW. You don't add funding to programs like the National Endowment for the Arts when the country is in such fiscal trouble. Just like you wouldn't buy expensive artwork for your home when you were in the process of filing a bankruptcy, it would be completely irresponsible for you and it's the same way for the country.

Here are 50 of the most outrageous items in the stimulus package:

VARIOUS LEFT-WINGERY
The easiest targets in the stimulus bill are the ones that were clearly thrown in as a sop to one liberal cause or another, even though the proposed spending would have little to no stimulative effect. The National Endowment for the Arts, for example, is in line for $50 million, increasing its total budget by a third. The unemployed can fill their days attending abstract-film festivals and sitar concerts.
Then there are the usual welfare-expansion programs that sound nice but repeatedly fail cost-benefit analyses. The bill provides $380 million to set up a rainy-day fund for a nutrition program that serves low-income women and children, and $300 million for grants to combat violence against women. Laudable goals, perhaps, but where’s the economic stimulus? And the bill would double the amount spent on federal child-care subsidies. Brian Riedl, a budget expert with the Heritage Foundation, quips, “Maybe it’s to help future Obama cabinet secretaries, so that they don’t have to pay taxes on their nannies.”
Perhaps spending $6 billion on university building projects will put some unemployed construction workers to work, but how does a $15 billion expansion of the Pell Grant program meet the standard of “temporary, timely, and targeted”? Another provision would allocate an extra $1.2 billion to a “youth” summer-jobs program—and increase the age-eligibility limit from 21 to 24. Federal job-training programs—despite a long track record of failure—come in for $4 billion total in additional funding through the stimulus.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a liberal wish list if it didn’t include something for ACORN, and sure enough, there is $5.2 billion for community-development block grants and “neighborhood stabilization activities,” which ACORN is eligible to apply for. Finally, the bill allocates $650 million for activities related to the switch from analog to digital TV, including $90 million to educate “vulnerable populations” that they need to go out and get their converter boxes or lose their TV signals. Obviously, this is stimulative stuff: Any economist will tell you that you can’t get higher productivity and economic growth without access to reruns of Family Feud.

Summary:
  • $50 million for the National Endowment for the Arts
  • $380 million in the Senate bill for the Women, Infants and Children program
  • $300 million for grants to combat violence against women
  • $2 billion for federal child-care block grants$6 billion for university building projects
  • $15 billion for boosting Pell Grant college scholarships$4 billion for job-training programs, including
  • $1.2 billion for “youths” up to the age of 24
  • $1 billion for community-development block grants
  • $4.2 billion for “neighborhood stabilization activities”
  • $650 million for digital-TV coupons;
  • $90 million to educate “vulnerable populations”

POORLY DESIGNED TAX RELIEF
The stimulus package’s tax provisions are poorly designed and should be replaced with something closer to what the Republican Study Committee in the House has proposed. Obama would extend some of the business tax credits included in the stimulus bill Congress passed about a year ago, and this is good as far as it goes. The RSC plan, however, also calls for a cut in the corporate-tax rate that could be expected to boost wages, lower prices, and increase profits, stimulating economic activity across the board.
The RSC plan also calls for a 5 percent across-the-board income-tax cut, which would increase productivity by providing additional incentives to save, work, and invest. An across-the-board payroll-tax cut might make even more sense, especially for low- to middle-income workers who don’t make enough to pay income taxes. Obama’s “Making Work Pay” tax credit is aimed at helping these workers, but it uses a rebate check instead of a rate cut. Rebate checks are not effective stimulus, as we discovered last spring: They might boost consumption, a little, but that’s all they do.
Finally, the RSC proposal provides direct tax relief to strapped families by expanding the child tax credit, reducing taxes on parents’ investment in the next generation of taxpayers. Obama’s expansion of the child tax credit is not nearly as ambitious. Overall, his plan adds up to a lot of forgone revenue without much stimulus to show for it. Senators should push for the tax relief to be better designed.

Summary:
  • $15 billion for business-loss carry-backs
  • $145 billion for “Making Work Pay” tax credits
  • $83 billion for the earned income credit

STIMULUS FOR THE GOVERNMENT
Even as their budgets were growing robustly during the Bush administration, many federal agencies couldn’t find the money to keep up with repairs—at least that’s the conclusion one is forced to draw from looking at the stimulus bill. Apparently the entire capital is a shambles. Congress has already removed $200 million to fix up the National Mall after word of that provision leaked out and attracted scorn. But one fixture of the mall—the Smithsonian—dodged the ax: It’s slated to receive $150 million for renovations.
The stimulus package is packed with approximately $7 billion worth of federal building projects, including $34 million to fix up the Commerce Department, $500 million for improvements to National Institutes of Health facilities, and $44 million for repairs at the Department of Agriculture. The Agriculture Department would also get $350 million for new computers—the better to calculate all the new farm subsidies in the bill (see “Pure pork” below).
One theme in this bill is superfluous spending items coated with green sugar to make them more palatable. Both NASA and NOAA come in for appropriations that properly belong in the regular budget, but this spending apparently qualifies for the stimulus bill because part of the money from each allocation is reserved for climate-change research. For instance, the bill grants NASA $450 million, but it states that the agency must spend at least $200 million on “climate-research missions,” which raises the question: Is there global warming in space?
The bottom line is that there is a way to fund government agencies, and that is the federal budget, not an “emergency” stimulus package. As Riedl puts it, “Amount allocated to the Census Bureau? $1 billion. Jobs created? None.”

Summary:
  • $150 million for the Smithsonian
  • $34 million to renovate the Department of Commerce headquarters
  • $500 million for improvement projects for National Institutes of Health facilities
  • $44 million for repairs to Department of Agriculture headquarters
  • $350 million for Agriculture Department computers
  • $88 million to help move the Public Health Service into a new building
  • $448 million for constructing a new Homeland Security Department headquarters
  • $600 million to convert the federal auto fleet to hybrids
  • $450 million for NASA (carve-out for “climate-research missions”)$600 million for NOAA (carve-out for “climate modeling”)
  • $1 billion for the Census Bureau

INCOME TRANSFERS
A big chunk of the stimulus package is designed not to create wealth but to spread it around. It contains $89 billion in Medicaid extensions and $36 billion in expanded unemployment benefits—and this is in addition to the state-budget bailout (see “Rewarding state irresponsibility” below).
The Medicaid extension is structured as a temporary increase in the federal match, but make no mistake: Like many spending increases in the stimulus package, this one has a good chance of becoming permanent. As for extending unemployment benefits through the downturn, it might be a good idea for other reasons, but it wouldn’t stimulate economic growth: It would provide an incentive for job-seekers to delay reentry into the workforce.

Summary:
  • $89 billion for Medicaid
  • $30 billion for COBRA insurance extension
  • $36 billion for expanded unemployment benefits
  • $20 billion for food stamps

PURE PORK
The problem with trying to spend $1 trillion quickly is that you end up wasting a lot of it. Take, for instance, the proposed $4.5 billion addition to the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers budget. Not only does this effectively double the Corps’ budget overnight, but it adds to the Corps’ $3.2 billion unobligated balance—money that has been appropriated, but that the Corps has not yet figured out how to spend. Keep in mind, this is an agency that is often criticized for wasting taxpayers’ money. “They cannot spend that money wisely,” says Steve Ellis of Taxpayers for Common Sense. “I don’t even think they can spend that much money unwisely.”
Speaking of spending money unwisely, the stimulus bill adds another $850 million for Amtrak, the railroad that can’t turn a profit. There’s also $1.7 billion for “critical deferred maintenance needs” in the National Park System, and $55 million for the preservation of historic landmarks. Also, the U.S. Coast Guard needs $87 million for a polar icebreaking ship—maybe global warming isn’t working fast enough.
It should come as no surprise that rural communities—those parts of the nation that were hardest hit by rampant real-estate speculation and the collapse of the investment-banking industry—are in dire need of an additional $7.6 billion for “advancement programs.” Congress passed a $300 billion farm bill last year, but apparently that wasn’t enough. This bill provides additional subsidies for farmers, including $150 million for producers of livestock, honeybees, and farm-raised fish.

Summary:
  • $4.5 billion for U.S. Army Corps of Engineers
  • $850 million for Amtrak
  • $87 million for a polar icebreaking ship
  • $1.7 billion for the National Park System
  • $55 million for Historic Preservation Fund
  • $7.6 billion for “rural community advancement programs”
  • $150 million for agricultural-commodity purchases
  • $150 million for “producers of livestock, honeybees, and farm-raised fish”

RENEWABLE WASTE
Open up the section of the stimulus devoted to renewable energy and what you find is anti-stimulus: billions of dollars allocated to money-losing technologies that have not proven cost-efficient despite decades of government support. “Green energy” is not a new idea, Riedl points out. The government has poured billions into loan-guarantees and subsidies and has even mandated the use of ethanol in gasoline, to no avail. “It is the triumph of hope over experience,” he says, “to think that the next $20 billion will magically transform the economy.”
Many of the renewable-energy projects in the stimulus bill are duplicative. It sets aside $3.5 billion for energy efficiency and conservation block grants, and $3.4 billion for the State Energy Program. What’s the difference? Well, energy efficiency and conservation block grants “assist eligible entities in implementing energy efficiency and conservation strategies,” while the State Energy Program “provides funding to states to design and carry out their own energy efficiency and renewable energy programs.”
While some programs would spend lavishly on technologies that are proven failures, others would spend too little to make a difference. The stimulus would spend $4.5 billion to modernize the nation’s electricity grid. But as Robert Samuelson has pointed out, “An industry study in 2004—surely outdated—put the price tag of modernizing the grid at $165 billion.” Most important, the stimulus bill is not the place to make these changes. There is a regular authorization process for energy spending; Obama is just trying to take a shortcut around it.

Summary:
  • $2 billion for renewable-energy research ($400 million for global-warming research)
  • $2 billion for a “clean coal” power plant in Illinois
  • $6.2 billion for the Weatherization Assistance Program
  • $3.5 billion for energy-efficiency and conservation block grants
  • $3.4 billion for the State Energy Program
  • $200 million for state and local electric-transport projects
  • $300 million for energy-efficient-appliance rebate programs
  • $400 million for hybrid cars for state and local governments
  • $1 billion for the manufacturing of advanced batteries
  • $1.5 billion for green-technology loan guarantees
  • $8 billion for innovative-technology loan-guarantee program
  • $2.4 billion for carbon-capture demonstration projects
  • $4.5 billion for electricity grid

REWARDING STATE IRRESPONSIBILITY
One of the ugliest aspects of the stimulus package is a bailout for spendthrift state legislatures. Remember the old fable about the ant and the grasshopper? In Aesop’s version, the happy-go-lucky grasshopper realizes the error of his ways when winter comes and he goes hungry while the industrious ant lives on his stores. In Obama’s version, the federal government levies a tax on the ant and redistributes his wealth to the party-hearty grasshopper, who just happens to belong to a government-employees’ union. This happens through something called the “State Fiscal Stabilization Fund,” by which taxpayers in the states that have exercised financial discipline are raided to subsidize Democratic-leaning Electoral College powerhouses—e.g., California—that have spent their way into big trouble.
The state-bailout fund has a built-in provision to channel the money to the Democrats’ most reliable group of campaign donors: the teachers’ unions. The current bill requires that a fixed percentage of the bailout money go toward ensuring that school budgets are not reduced below 2006 levels. Given that the fastest-growing segment of public-school expense is administrators’ salaries—not teachers’ pay, not direct spending on classroom learning—this is a requirement that has almost nothing to do with ensuring high-quality education and everything to do with ensuring that the school bureaucracy continues to be a cash cow for Democrats.
Setting aside this obvious sop to Democratic constituencies, the State Fiscal Stabilization Fund is problematic in that it creates a moral hazard by punishing the thrifty to subsidize the extravagant. California, which has suffered the fiscal one-two punch of a liberal, populist Republican governor and a spendthrift Democratic legislature, is in the worst shape, but even this fiduciary felon would have only to scale back spending to Gray Davis–era levels to eliminate its looming deficit. (The Davis years are not remembered as being especially austere.) Pennsylvania is looking to offload much of its bloated corrections-system budget onto Uncle Sam in order to shunt funds to Gov. Ed Rendell’s allies at the county-government level, who will use that largesse to put off making hard budgetary calls and necessary reforms. Alaska is looking for a billion bucks, including $630 million for transportation projects—not a great sign for the state that brought us the “Bridge to Nowhere” fiasco.
Other features leap out: Of the $4 billion set aside for the Community Oriented Policing Services—COPS—program, half is allocated for communities of fewer than 150,000 people. That’s $2 billion to fight nonexistent crime waves in places like Frog Suck, Wyo., and Hoople, N.D.
The great French economist Frédéric Bastiat called politics “the great fiction through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.” But who pays for the state bailout? Savers will pay to bail out spenders, and future generations will pay to bail out the undisciplined present.
In sum, this is an $80 billion boondoggle that is going to reward the irresponsible and help state governments evade a needed reordering of their financial priorities. And the money has to come from somewhere: At best, we’re just shifting money around from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, robbing a relatively prudent Cheyenne to pay an incontinent Albany. If we want more ants and fewer grasshoppers, let the prodigal governors get a little hungry.

Summary:
  • $79 billion for State Fiscal Stabilization Fund

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Ya gotta have faith...Grace's world

So Grace walks into the room and catches a bit of the scary part of Heroes (on NBC). I'm a little nervous about her seeing scary things so here goes the conversation:


Me: "I didn't know you were there, did you need something?"
G: "I just had to go potty."
M: "Did it scare you to see that part of the show?"
G: "No mommy, I'm not scared of anything..."
M: "Why are you not scared of anything?" (quite surprising but I do admit - I haven't seen her be afraid in my memory yet)
G: "Why should I be afraid? God will always protect me."


What can I say - oh how I wish I had the faith of my daughter. Wouldn't it be great to truly not be afraid of anything! To have that much faith! Amazing.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Ya gotta have faith...part one

Where do you begin the most personal post you've ever put out there?

These are thoughts I've been working on for some time, please forgive me if I jump around, hesitate, lose my train of thought or just generally don't make sense at all. If I'm truly lucky, I'll get it off my chest and no one will read it (I thankfully don't have a huge following).

Let's start here:
My dad is a bad dude. He's taken advantage of people's kindness and manipulated folks his entire life. He's a con-artist, a philanderer, a thief and a predator. I grew up in a place where I watched him take advantage of the masses including those close to me. It had a major impact on my ability to trust anyone but my mother (who to this day has never truly failed me).

Thing two:
I'm an army brat. We moved all around the country through my younger years. I'm a great collector of friends with very few long term ones. Moving makes you stay on your toes, you meet people and the next thing you know they are gone. I am fairly good at developing friendships, but fairly bad at maintaining them.

Last thing:
In my adulthood I have continued to move around. I have made some great long-lasting friends (I hope you are reading this Erica). However, our generation is not great at this. People seem to flow in and out of lives like the seasons, no one is truly close, no one really lets anyone in to some of the darkness inside of them - it might be a bad marriage, struggles with children, your own deceptive behavior, general dissatisfaction - you name it. Don't get me wrong, I am equally guilty of this! I think it is our lack of connection to each other that is creating these short relationships - how can you let someone into your soul knowing they could disappear tomorrow or worse - share your deepest thoughts with others without your permission?

Where am I going with these points? Faith...I am soooo struggling with my faith!

I have recently been attending a new church called Windsor Crossing, if you are curious, check out the website:
http://www.wcrossing.org/

The worship is amazing, the lead pastor is amazing and it's moving me in directions towards God that I have never even considered before. My heart is warm and full and I'm beginning to feel genuine joy and peace like never before. Something is breaking through me - something I think we all long for - true faith!

But I am continuously hitting a road bump...the one that entails that I have faith in the following:
  • Faith that I won't get hurt by people - this includes my friends, my husband, my sister, my mother, perhaps one day - my children
  • Faith that Wayne and I can make it through current and future financial situations
  • Faith that I can hear what I'm being called to do and that I am good enough to execute it
  • Faith that I can let people in - truly in to my thoughts - so that I may have real friendships
  • Faith that God will take us down the path that we are meant to go on - that there is a plan even though I cannot see the future

I cannot seem to let these things go, I'm having troubles getting past my experience that eventually I do get hurt, that my finances fail, that I can't hear what HE is trying to tell me, that there is a plan. If I could just bust through parts of this, I know there is so much waiting for me on the other side. I'm working on it everyday....I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Ad declined by NBC

I have to preface this with the statement that I am not a big in-your-face prolifer. I do believe life begins at conception, but it is not my place to judge the women who make the choice of abortion. I am, however, sad that this great ad is not being played on the Superbowl and thought that it should be shared. So here is the post!!


Would love your comments!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Comments on the Stimulus Plan

One of my goals this year was to become more informed about local, state, and national government. I found this article summarizing how the stimulus package is being spent and I thought it was very interesting. I wanted to help inform you as well . I feel the need to comment on them and have done so below in the article itself (see my comments in bold). If you have any thoughts I’d love to hear them. If it makes you happy or unhappy you can contact your senators by looking them up at the web address below:
http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/
Happy learning!


Obama Stimulus Package Breakdown
January 26, 2009 - 11:16 ET
What is the money being spent on-general breakdown between infrastructure, tax cuts, etc…? Some highlights of the package, by the numbers:
• $825 billion total (as of 1/15/09) Did you know that this is more than the entire war in Afghanistan X2?
• $550 billion in new spending, described as thoughtful and carefully targeted priority investments with unprecedented accountability measures built in.
• $275 billion in tax relief ($1,000 tax cut for families, $500 tax cut for individuals through SS payroll deductions)
• $ 90 billion for infrastructure
• $ 87 billion Medicaid aid to states
• $ 79 billion school districts/public colleges to prevent cutbacks I so want to comment on this but have no facts right now to back up my opinion that school money is already poorly spent. My best shot is to say that they keep funneling money in the DC school district - which has an enormous cost per student and their program is failing beyond compare.
• $ 54 billion to encourage energy production from renewable sources
• $ 41 billion for additional school funding ($14 billion for school modernizations and repairs, $13 billion for Title I, $13 billion for IDEA special education funding, $1 billion for education technology)
• $ 24 billion for "health information technology to prevent medical mistakes, provide better care to patients and introduce cost-saving efficiencies" and "to provide for preventative care and to evaluate the most effective health care treatments." This sounds like a sneaky approach to glide into universal health care - one of the areas of greatest concern for me.
• $ 16 billion for science/technology ($10 billion for science facilities, research, and instrumentation; $6 billion to expand broadband to rural areas) Why does the government need to pay for broadband to rural areas? Shouldn't that be done by the private businesses who will benefit by the new subscribers?
• $ 15 billion to increase Pell grants by $500
• $ 6 billion for the ambiguous "higher education modernization."
[Source: Committee on Appropriations: January 15, 2009]

Here is a further breakdown of the package: NOTE: The following are highlights of the package; for the full 13-page summary from the Appropriations Committee, click here: (as of 1/15/09)

Energy
$32 billion: Funding for "smart electricity grid" to reduce waste Does this mean our electric bills will go down - because I suspect it won't change a thing
$16 billion: Renewable energy tax cuts and a tax credit for research and development on energy-related work, and a multi year extension of renewable energy production tax credit
$6 billion: Funding to weatherize modest-income homes Science and Technology WHAT?!
$10 billion: Science facilities
$6 billion: High-speed Internet access for rural and underserved areas Infrastructure
$30 billion: Transportation projects
$31 billion: Construction and repair of federal buildings and other public infrastructure
$19 billion: Water projects
$10 billion: Rail and mass transit projects Not a shocker here - how long will we support the rail system?

Education
$41 billion: Grants to local school districts
$79 billion: State fiscal relief to prevent cuts in state aid
$21 billion: School modernization ($15.6 billion to increase the Pell grant by $500; $6 billion for higher education modernization) I would love to see the details of this and may have to go find out...

Health Care Hmmm, can you say universal healthcare?
$39 billion: Subsidies to health insurance for unemployed; providing coverage through Medicaid $87 billion: Help to states with Medicaid
$20 billion: Modernization of health-information technology systems
$4.1 billion: Preventative care Jobless Benefits
$43 billion for increased unemployment benefits and job training.
$39 billion to support those who lose their jobs by helping them to pay the cost of keeping their employer provided healthcare under COBRA and providing short-term options to be covered by Medicaid.
$20 billion to increase the food stamp benefit by over 13% in order to help defray rising food costs.

Taxes

Individuals: The first one that I truly agree could be stimulus
*$500 per worker, $1,000 per couple tax cut for two years, costing about $140 billion. *Greater access to the $1,000-per-child tax credit for the working poor.
*Expansion of the earned-income tax credit to include families with three children
*A $2,500 college tuition tax credit.
*Repeal of a requirement that a $7,500 first-time homebuyer tax credit be paid back over time.

Businesses: If we wanted true stimulus - this would be the place to go. Give businesses PERMANENT tax relief so that they start spending money and hiring individuals. They could be doing projects and buying things that they want - this would be the fastest route to growing the economy but NO ONE WILL TALK ABOUT IT!! It would rapidly create a ton of jobs!
*An infusion of cash into money-losing companies by allowing them to claim tax credits on past profits dating back five years instead of two.
*Bonus depreciation for businesses investing in new plants and equipment
*Doubling of the amount small businesses can write off for capital investments and new equipment purchases.
*Allowing businesses to claim a tax credit for hiring disconnected youth and veterans [Sources: Associated Press: Highlights of Senate economic stimulus plan; January 23, 2009; WSJ: Stimulus Package Unveiled; January 16, 2009; Committee on Appropriations: January 15, 2009]

When is the money being is going to be spent, and on what? The government wouldn't be able to spend at least one-fourth of a proposed $825 billion economic stimulus plan until after 2010, RIDICULOUS! according to a preliminary report by the Congressional Business Office that suggests it may take longer than expected to boost the economy. The government would spend about $26 billion of the money this year and $110 billion more next year, the report said. About $103 billion would be spent in 2011, while $53 billion would be spent in 2012 and $63 billion between 2013 and 2019.

• Less than $5 billion of the $30 billion set aside for highway spending would be spent within the next two years, the CBO said. This is NOT a stimulus plan - this is government welfare for all

• Only $26 billion out of $274 billion in infrastructure spending would be delivered into the economy by the Sept. 30 end of the budget year, just 7 percent.

• Just one in seven dollars of a huge $18.5 billion investment in energy efficiency and renewable energy programs would be spent within a year and a half.

• About $907 million of a $6 billion plan to expand broadband access in rural and other underserved areas would be spent by 2011, CBO said.

• Just one-fourth of clean drinking water projects can be completed by October of next year.

• $275 billion worth of tax cuts to 95 percent of filers and a huge infusion of help for state governments is to be distributed into the economy more quickly. [Note: The CBO's analysis applied only to 40 percent of the overall stimulus bill, and doesn't cover tax cuts or efforts; a CBO report outlining all of its costs is expected in the next week or so.]

• The Obama administration said $3 of every $4 in the package should be spent within 18 months to have maximum impact on jobs and taxpayers; if House or Senate versions of the bill do not spend the money as quickly, the White House will work with lawmakers to achieve the goal of spending 75% of the overall package over the next year and a half. [Source: AP: Three-quarters of stimulus to go in 18 months; January 22, 2009; Bloomberg News: Much of Stimulus Wont Be Spent Before 2011, CBO Says; January 20, 2009; link]

Who will be spending the money? Will the states be receiving any money to spend, community organizations? Churches? The economic stimulus plan now moving through Congress would shower billions of federal dollars on state and local governments desperate for cash:
• The House stimulus bill includes an extra $87 billion in federal aid to state Medicaid programs. • It allots some $120 billion to boost state and city education programs.
• There's $4 billion for state and local anticrime initiatives in the legislation, not to mention $30-plus billion for highways and other infrastructure projects.
• $6.9 billion to help state and local governments make investments that make them more energy efficient and reduce carbon emissions.
• $87 billion to states, increasing through the end of FY 2010 the share of Medicaid costs the Federal government reimburses all states by 4.8 percent, with extra relief tied to rates of unemployment.
• $120 billion to states and school districts to stabilize budgets and prevent tax increases and deep cuts to critical education programs. Overall, about one-quarter of the entire $825 billion recovery package would be devoted to activities crucial to governors, mayors, and local school boards - making them among the plans biggest beneficiaries. [Sources: Committee on Appropriations: January 15, 2009;
Reuters: Roads, energy, states win in US stimulus plan;15 January 2009;
Christian Science Monitor: States to win big in stimulus sweepstakes;
House bill allots almost one-quarter of the $825 billion recovery package to states, localities. How will that boost the economy?; January 25, 2009; Link]

Final and overall thoughts by me:
  • This is not stimulus, this is a sneaky, back-door entry into socialism
  • Even if it was stimulus, it's taking way too long to infuse the cash into the system
  • Universal healthcare is a scary, scary thing to me - I don't think it's a path we should take - it mostly been for other country a road to nasty things like having an age limit for treatment!
  • I hope you read this and pass the word along - the only fix for this is trying to stop it before it passes the senate and I hope you contact your senators...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Fear

So, I think I haven't used my blog lately because I'm choosing other more inviting things to do with my time. I'm reading and hanging out with my children and my heart's not been in it as much. I think I need to use it for it's real intention - to post my thoughts out and get them off of my chest - maybe I'll be better about it then...let's find out.

Before I get into it too deep I must say that I am a very private person. I generally don't let out my deepest thoughts for fear of letting anyone in too close - I really don't want to be mocked or get hurt - my greatest fears....or really my truly greatest fear is to be completely alone. I think I'll let you all in later this day or week, but know that I do it with a bit of fear...I think I'm ready to have some faith that it's okay...you'll see more later.